You know, I hate my family so much some days, I wish I could wring it out of my brain and bottle it, just to get it out of me. If they're not behaving like selfish assholes then they're treating me like I'm a fucking retard. Every day just boils down to what I can do for them, and no matter how much I do or don't do, the end result is counted in things I haven't done.

I'm so sick of my mothers screaming it's all I can do to not reach out and punch her in the throat. I hate the way my grandmother wallows in her own self-pity and demands that everyone's life revolve around her so much I just wish she'd hurry up and die. I hate the way my father sold his soul and his spine and all his common sense to be married to a woman who cares only for herself. I'm disappointed that all the morals, all the restraint, all the lessons that were taught to me as a child, were completely disregarded with the girls; I hate what it's turning them into. I can't stand the way everyone always knows everything and how it was always somehow my fault. I hate the way I can't say any of these things to the people that make me feel this way because they're my family. It just boils up in me like a percolator; every now and again a jet of hot steam lashes out at someone who doesn't deserve it, and I don't even realize it because I'm too busy trying to keep the rest of it in.

Sometimes I'm left alone long enough for the anger to be distilled into sadness, the only way I know how to get it out of my body. I've seen pure anger released in full, and all it does is hurt and destroy. I don't know any good way to just let it all out without hurting someone. So after it's distilled and I've cooled down, I'll cry. Sometimes for no reason at all, usually when I'm with my love. Usually when she's not watching, like when I'm watching her sleep, or when I'm sitting next to her on the computer thinking about how much I love her, or even right now.

I wish I could exert more control. I spent a lot of my life wishing and wanting for things to fall into place, I haven't ever been good at taking the wheel. My worst fear is that my lack of control combined with the stress of living with my family is going to destroy my relationship with Lissa. I really wish her original arrangement hadn't gone to shit. It's hard enough with one of us living in this chaos, but the both of us? If we can weather this, I think we're pretty well fit to weather anything.

ANd I hope we do.

    Whiteford Greenhouse is holding open interviews today, and I'm going. This could be my chance to get out of the Seafood. It's only seasonal, but it's a step in a different direction.

Stepping off the path I've been on for 22 years... I think I need bigger shoes.

So L-chan's party came and went. Despite somewhat ominous foreshadowing, it turned out to be a bucket of fun and little else. Got my DS Lite; got to happily see that Vault of Midnight seems to be taking on what Wizzy Wigs left behind when it decided to move to BFE; got to eat at BD's Mongolian BBQ and videotape L-Chan being embarrassed as the cooks sang to her; got to play Cthulu-themed Munchkin- was chased off by a wizard in a pink dress and turned into a woman, much laughter was had by everyone at my expense; got to snuggle up close with Kitten and watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, which, honestly, I didn't really get- mostly because of all the stoner's laughing loud and hard at just about everything, whether it was funny or not. All in all a very amusing time, as it almost always is. Having more people there seemed to give Dave other things to focus on instead of make me uncomfortable with sexual advances, hooray.

Went to work today for Steve, whose mom is in critical condition with a terminal illness and thusly won't be in to work for a while. I had specifically asked for this weekend and this weekend alone off, yet I was the first person called for three straight days to work. I folded when they asked me about Sunday because I could come up with no excuse. After Kitten told me I didn't need an excuse, the rest of the competent people at my place of employment agreed, and I felt like a horse's ass. I have no spine sometimes it seems, especially when it comes to a job that I've already given up any semblance of a social life to accommodate.

Ah well, more to think about I guess. Some things need to change. I'm really good at talking about philosophical change, about far off truths and lies, but I'm not really good when it comes to making big changes, or taking chances, in the here and now. Intentionally or otherwise, I have been hobbled when it comes to making the transition to being an adult. By who, though; them or me?

-sigh-