You know, I hate my family so much some days, I wish I could wring it out of my brain and bottle it, just to get it out of me. If they're not behaving like selfish assholes then they're treating me like I'm a fucking retard. Every day just boils down to what I can do for them, and no matter how much I do or don't do, the end result is counted in things I haven't done.

I'm so sick of my mothers screaming it's all I can do to not reach out and punch her in the throat. I hate the way my grandmother wallows in her own self-pity and demands that everyone's life revolve around her so much I just wish she'd hurry up and die. I hate the way my father sold his soul and his spine and all his common sense to be married to a woman who cares only for herself. I'm disappointed that all the morals, all the restraint, all the lessons that were taught to me as a child, were completely disregarded with the girls; I hate what it's turning them into. I can't stand the way everyone always knows everything and how it was always somehow my fault. I hate the way I can't say any of these things to the people that make me feel this way because they're my family. It just boils up in me like a percolator; every now and again a jet of hot steam lashes out at someone who doesn't deserve it, and I don't even realize it because I'm too busy trying to keep the rest of it in.

Sometimes I'm left alone long enough for the anger to be distilled into sadness, the only way I know how to get it out of my body. I've seen pure anger released in full, and all it does is hurt and destroy. I don't know any good way to just let it all out without hurting someone. So after it's distilled and I've cooled down, I'll cry. Sometimes for no reason at all, usually when I'm with my love. Usually when she's not watching, like when I'm watching her sleep, or when I'm sitting next to her on the computer thinking about how much I love her, or even right now.

I wish I could exert more control. I spent a lot of my life wishing and wanting for things to fall into place, I haven't ever been good at taking the wheel. My worst fear is that my lack of control combined with the stress of living with my family is going to destroy my relationship with Lissa. I really wish her original arrangement hadn't gone to shit. It's hard enough with one of us living in this chaos, but the both of us? If we can weather this, I think we're pretty well fit to weather anything.

ANd I hope we do.

Went and got Melissa yesterday, I believe the subject sums up how I feel about that. Smiling so much my face hurts.

Mom had her "surgery" today. Apparently they gave her too much Phentanyl (sp?) and she's basically back and forth between bitch-mode and out-cold. Not my problem, as I am (happily, for once) trapped at grandma's.

Man, it's great to have a weekend off. Can't wait for Saturday. We're going to BD's Mongolian BBQ for dinner, which is both delicious AND cheap. But more importantly, I finally get my hands on a DS. I'm pretty sure that the first game I buy for it, assuming I can find it without much trouble, is Meteos. Seems like something Melissa would enjoy as much as I would. We'll see I guess