You know, I hate my family so much some days, I wish I could wring it out of my brain and bottle it, just to get it out of me. If they're not behaving like selfish assholes then they're treating me like I'm a fucking retard. Every day just boils down to what I can do for them, and no matter how much I do or don't do, the end result is counted in things I haven't done.

I'm so sick of my mothers screaming it's all I can do to not reach out and punch her in the throat. I hate the way my grandmother wallows in her own self-pity and demands that everyone's life revolve around her so much I just wish she'd hurry up and die. I hate the way my father sold his soul and his spine and all his common sense to be married to a woman who cares only for herself. I'm disappointed that all the morals, all the restraint, all the lessons that were taught to me as a child, were completely disregarded with the girls; I hate what it's turning them into. I can't stand the way everyone always knows everything and how it was always somehow my fault. I hate the way I can't say any of these things to the people that make me feel this way because they're my family. It just boils up in me like a percolator; every now and again a jet of hot steam lashes out at someone who doesn't deserve it, and I don't even realize it because I'm too busy trying to keep the rest of it in.

Sometimes I'm left alone long enough for the anger to be distilled into sadness, the only way I know how to get it out of my body. I've seen pure anger released in full, and all it does is hurt and destroy. I don't know any good way to just let it all out without hurting someone. So after it's distilled and I've cooled down, I'll cry. Sometimes for no reason at all, usually when I'm with my love. Usually when she's not watching, like when I'm watching her sleep, or when I'm sitting next to her on the computer thinking about how much I love her, or even right now.

I wish I could exert more control. I spent a lot of my life wishing and wanting for things to fall into place, I haven't ever been good at taking the wheel. My worst fear is that my lack of control combined with the stress of living with my family is going to destroy my relationship with Lissa. I really wish her original arrangement hadn't gone to shit. It's hard enough with one of us living in this chaos, but the both of us? If we can weather this, I think we're pretty well fit to weather anything.

ANd I hope we do.

Passed the test yesterday. I always feel bad answering questions out loud, especially when it's because NOBODY else knows the answer. Ah well. I'll probably be out in the hubt his evening.

I'm really kind of bi-polar about it. Part of me is chomping at the bit to get to work and be really good at it. Physical labour is something I've always been good at it. Part of me is just too lazy from all the years of, well, laziness. That part with wither and die soon enough I'm sure. If I don't star tonight, I will definitely be starting tomorrow.

What else tomorrow? We're going to be picking Melissa up in the afternoon so we can spend the weekend together. I miss her, and lately I've been kinda distant. Not just from her, from everyone for the most part. I think my brain is just overtaxed with everything going on- it should get better once the anticipation of starting work is passed, and should be gone once I'm getting regular paychecks. It'll be good to hold her close again and unwind for the weekend with the woman I love. I honestly don't know if I'd ever have taken the opportunity at UPS if it hadn't been for her support.

I'll be honest for a moment, I've been afraid of getting out of the rut I've been in. It was almost comfortable, making just enough to get by and not having to work too hard. But I shouldn't be stuck in a routine right now. It's all right to have a comfortable routine when you live on your own, when your life is your life... not so much when you're 22 and living with your parents. I don't want to live here forever, or even for very long. It's one of the last and biggest steps I'll be taking in my personal quest for independence.

I think that's why I've been so disconnected lately. I've just been thinking, a lot, about what's next. About my money situation. About my debts. About my car. About finding a car pool for work. I think you get the picture. It takes up a lot of my free thought. This weekend I want to put it all aside for a few days and just relax with my Kitten.

Goodness I miss those kisses.

Went and got Melissa yesterday, I believe the subject sums up how I feel about that. Smiling so much my face hurts.

Mom had her "surgery" today. Apparently they gave her too much Phentanyl (sp?) and she's basically back and forth between bitch-mode and out-cold. Not my problem, as I am (happily, for once) trapped at grandma's.

Man, it's great to have a weekend off. Can't wait for Saturday. We're going to BD's Mongolian BBQ for dinner, which is both delicious AND cheap. But more importantly, I finally get my hands on a DS. I'm pretty sure that the first game I buy for it, assuming I can find it without much trouble, is Meteos. Seems like something Melissa would enjoy as much as I would. We'll see I guess

Well, it seems the shit-storm has passed, so I'm going to *try* posting publicly again, since my two favorite readers have no reason outside of self-loathing to continue nagging me.

Going to get Melissa tomorrow. It feels like it's been forever since I hugged her, and I cannot wait to drown her in big, wet kisses. Good news is this may be the last time I have to drive (or get someone else to drive me, since I'm not really driving) to Devil's Lake to get her or go see her! She should be moving in with her friend Jon who is a much more manageable 5-10 minutes away from here.

That'll be a whole new thing for me; having a girlfriend who lives a reasonable distance away. It means we can see each other on a casual basis, and not have to plan weeks in advance! For all intents and purposes she lives right down the street. It means I can go hang out with her as much as she comes to see me! Which will be a HUGE relief since my mother is being her usual nosey opinionated self.

I'm kind of glad Eric is helping me go get Lissa tomorrow. If I had to tolerate an hour car ride with mom, I'm sure I would have snapped at her. I probably still will. She has taxed me in a way she's never taxed me before. With Jen, everything she said stung, but it stung because part of me knew she was right. Part of me wanted to agree with her. I think she's a little too comfortable with her opinion mattering because of that, and maybe it's my fault for tolerating it so much up until now. Now though- it infuriates me. Not because she's right, not because she cares, but because it's NONE OF HER FUCKING BUSINESS. And I've more than half a mind to say that in the near future, it's overdue.

What else? Oh, right. L-chan's party is this weekend. Which, surprisingly, I am being allowed to go do, even though I told mom I wasn't expecting us to be back till 3am. I assume her tone will change post-party, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts. We're going to be in Ann Arbor most of Saturday evening and into Sunday morning. We're eating at one of my favorite places, BD's Mongolian Barbecue. If you haven't been, look it up, see if there's one in your area, and go. Delicious food, and the all-you-can-eat plate is like $15. Cheap + Delicious = Win. The downside to Japanese food is that it's usually on the pricey side, and I'm running low on the funds. I've scraped together $160 for this weekend, and I want to spend as little of that as possible (and since we *may* be hitting a bookstore while we wait for our dinner reservation...) because $50 is an advance on my next paycheck.

Also relevant: I'm getting a DS! Dave is selling me his old DS Lite for the not-too-shabby pricey of $65. Of course, I'm probably going to end up writing him a post-dated check for next Friday (unless I manage to have enough left over to pay him cash at the end of the day), but a DS is a DS. No idea what I'm going to do about games though. If I can pick up Meteos used thats an obvious win, but I'd prefer a long-lasting RPG, while avoiding pokemon if i can. I had a few good rpg's for my now-bricked PSP that i only just got into, which bites. Ah well, heres hoping they release some good ones for DS in the future. But since I', broke and supposed to be saving, I guess it's of no consequence.

Anyway, off to sleep-land. I get to see my Kitten again tomorrow, the sooner I sleep the sooner she's here!

    Nothing reminds me why I love my girlfriend quite as much as phone calls in the early morning. Even if I don't always get up, they bring a smile to my face that lasts the rest of the day.