Fake It Till You Make It

Old habits

2009-09-03T07:55:01Z

die hard. Retrospect and recent events have shown me that I do not have the capacity for true malice in me. I can be angry, I can be dangerously mad at you, but I cannot sustain it, the fire consumes itself almost as quickly as it was sparked. I know there are some people for whom the fires of rage and spite burn eternally in their hearts and minds; they do not forgive, they do not forget. I am not one of those people, and I don't think I should be ashamed of that. It takes so much energy to hate someone, it hardly seems worth the effort. Where's the payoff? All you have to show for it is a rotten little hole in your soul, a chain eternally binding you to that person, not in love, but in hate; anyone who seeks to hurt you needn't try very hard because you will hurt yourself for them, forever.

Me? I would sooner set those memories adrift. Less like lighting a bonfire, more like putting all the bad memories, all the nasty little emotions and the hurt and the pain in a bottle and tossing it out to sea. Not to be confused with bottling up emotions; I do not hide how I feel, but when my emotions run their course I would sooner be rid of them then have them hanging around, smelling up the place.

Last time, I burned the memories. I let the rage and feelings of betrayal burn hot and hard and I let them consume everything that ever was. I did my best to control the burn; I deliberately set aside some of my most precious memories. I felt better for it, but there has to be a better way.

So this is the cork on the bottle, and this journal is everything inside of it. I've learned so much in the past year that no words can truly do it justice. My pursuit of true independence cost me a lot. The sickening irony of it is the very person who showed me the path to follow, the person whom I loved and trusted more than I have ever loved or trusted anyone, became my worst enemy. I'm not sure if I'll ever trust anyone that much again... but then, I've said that before. Each time we are hurt or betrayed it serves to give us a greater capacity to love and trust, but there is also greater awareness. We love more but less immediately. I will not let everything I have felt in the past two years go to waste, even if you do.

Mrrr

2008-10-26T10:11:58Z

I can't remember the last time I had a day that I would call productive, but odds are it happened while Melissa was here.

I cleaned my room today. Not the room I live in, the corner of my parent's house they call mine so as to keep up the illusion that I'm still living under their roof.

To say it was destroyed would be like saying that a few people may have died in the Holocaust. Surprisingly it only took one bag of trash to fix (I usually haul about 2-3 out), but that may have been because Rhiannon had hauled some out the week prior. Anyway, I cleaned up all the trash (again), swept the floors (again), cleaned off my desk (again), put everything back where it goes (again) and mopped the floor (again). I'm going to try and get Rhiannon's bed into her room immediately following work tomorrow, then I'm going to resume locking my door. They have no idea how fucking embarrassed I was the day Melissa visited and I tried to bring her into that. I wanted to fucking crawl under a rock and die, I've never been so disgusted and humiliated. And nobody cares! Mom comes home, and the stupid bitch never leaves her room, except to wander out to the kitchen. As long as her room,t he hallway leading to the kitchen, and the kitchen are clean-ish, mom doesn't care. Once or twice a year mom goes to some other part of the house and realizes how much of a pig sty it is. And when she does, it's not her fault as an irresponsible parent, it's my fault for not watching the girls, dad's fault for not watching me, fingers pointed in all directions but her own.

This is the point where Melissa would tell me I need to say something, quit taking it. I'd tell her it's not that easy.. but really, how hard is it? Is it really that difficult to tell mom the truth, or is it difficult to get out of the rut of doing whatever I have to do to survive? I've been stuck in survival mode for way too long, scraping together an existence out of whatever is left when everyone else has taken what I've worked for. I feel pathetic, not having it in me to stand up to my mom like I used to. That's one thing I wouldn't mind. A big, no-holds-barred fight between me and mom. A screaming, swearing, be-all-to-end-all fight of the apocalypse where I lay out just how much I can't stand her, just what she's done to my life, and just how much of a bitch she is. It's pretty much unavoidable, really. I won't even be moved in to my new apartment and the phone will be ringing. And guess what? I'm not gonna pick it up. I'll call her back when I'm damn good and ready, and the moment she decides to be a bitch about it, I'm not holding back. She's alienated herself from everyone with her self-serving selflessness. She waffles on everything and has no spine, and then, when she's changed her opinion, don't you dare tell her otherwise, because it never happened that way anymore, you're crazy, you don't listen. I want to be in control. I want to be in a position where she can't scare me anymore, where she can't push me around just because she puts a roof over my head. I want to see her back down and crawl away with her tail between her legs. Just once, I want her to feel how she's made me feel every day of my miserable adult existence.

Every week is one step closer. Every paycheck puts me that much more in the bank toward my goal. I'm really doing it this time. I'm excited, scared, confused, and hopeful about it. I wonder if beginner pilots feel like this the first time, coasting down the runway, picking up speed, wondering if they're going to have enough speed to get off the ground before they run out of runway.. then pure exhilaration as they feel the wheels lift off the ground, feel the plane rise with the entire sky before it.

A couple of less important and exciting things I did today include shaving off my sideburns and playing video games to keep my mind off of things. I really want to get back to a couple art projects I've put on hold, but I haven't been much in the mood to continue art projects.

Just gotta take it one long, melodramatic, and usually lonely day at a time, and hope for the best every morning. Speaking of morning.. I have to work in 6 hours. God I hate the Seafood. At least I'm getting out around 6-7.

Goodnight.

The Illusionist

2008-10-26T03:27:36Z

Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

NBDC - The Illusionist

You perceive the world with particular attention to nature. You focus on the hidden treasures of life (the background) and how that is affected by the details of life. You are also particularly drawn towards the colors around you. Because of the value you place on nature, you tend to find comfort in more subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You like to ponder ideas and imagine the many possibilities of your life without worrying about the details or specifics. You are highly focused on specific goals or tasks and find meaning in life by pursuing those goals. You are a down-to-earth person who enjoys going with the flow.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaarg

2008-07-09T00:12:33Z

You know, I hate my family so much some days, I wish I could wring it out of my brain and bottle it, just to get it out of me. If they're not behaving like selfish assholes then they're treating me like I'm a fucking retard. Every day just boils down to what I can do for them, and no matter how much I do or don't do, the end result is counted in things I haven't done.

I'm so sick of my mothers screaming it's all I can do to not reach out and punch her in the throat. I hate the way my grandmother wallows in her own self-pity and demands that everyone's life revolve around her so much I just wish she'd hurry up and die. I hate the way my father sold his soul and his spine and all his common sense to be married to a woman who cares only for herself. I'm disappointed that all the morals, all the restraint, all the lessons that were taught to me as a child, were completely disregarded with the girls; I hate what it's turning them into. I can't stand the way everyone always knows everything and how it was always somehow my fault. I hate the way I can't say any of these things to the people that make me feel this way because they're my family. It just boils up in me like a percolator; every now and again a jet of hot steam lashes out at someone who doesn't deserve it, and I don't even realize it because I'm too busy trying to keep the rest of it in.

Sometimes I'm left alone long enough for the anger to be distilled into sadness, the only way I know how to get it out of my body. I've seen pure anger released in full, and all it does is hurt and destroy. I don't know any good way to just let it all out without hurting someone. So after it's distilled and I've cooled down, I'll cry. Sometimes for no reason at all, usually when I'm with my love. Usually when she's not watching, like when I'm watching her sleep, or when I'm sitting next to her on the computer thinking about how much I love her, or even right now.

I wish I could exert more control. I spent a lot of my life wishing and wanting for things to fall into place, I haven't ever been good at taking the wheel. My worst fear is that my lack of control combined with the stress of living with my family is going to destroy my relationship with Lissa. I really wish her original arrangement hadn't gone to shit. It's hard enough with one of us living in this chaos, but the both of us? If we can weather this, I think we're pretty well fit to weather anything.

ANd I hope we do.

Memoirs of a Workin' Stiff

2008-06-12T02:04:28Z

So life has been interesting, if not tiresome, lately. I've had to loan mom and dad money twice, once for the electric and once for the gas. Surprisingly, this lapse in bill-paying was not their fault, it was Judy. See, the bills should be paid out of mom's non-existent paycheck, thus at least she's paying the bills by working at grandma's. But no, fucktard has let EVERYONE'S bills (and the mortgages) lapse, and we were left scrambling for cash. So in comes Jeremy and his rubber checkbook to save the day, again.

Even more surprisingly? I actually got the money back. All of it. Without having to stomp and scream. Sadly, all $1750 of mom and dad's stimulus check went into paying off the debt Judy put us in, getting the rental car caught up, and renting a new tractor for the yard (We needed it). But they DID give me the money I didn't have to pay their bills, which made me feel a little better.

Every night at UPS is an adventure. I always wonder where I'm going to bruise, scrape, or nick myself next, and I almost never know. Considering I've lost 20 lbs since I started working two weeks ago I'm not one to complain. Teetering not far above the 200 mark. If I can get under that, it'll be the first time since... before high school.

The hardest part about adjusting to UPS is that working at the Seafood for as long as I have has led me into a sedentary lifestyle. I stopped working at much of anything. Now that I'm at UPS, it's like I'm working at everything again. It's the motivation I've been craving for so long, the unstoppable force to my almost immovable object. I'm becoming more active (when I'm awake- more on that later) and putting more energy into the things I do- because I have energy now.

However, two things which are not beyond my control but unstoppable, are impeding me. First, fortune. It seems that whenever I get a plan in my head, and I get to making the money I need to get ahead, something ALWAYS comes up. And not even for me, that would be fine. Last time it was great grandma's estate, this time it was the electric/gas shutoff. I'm damed if I do, damned if I don't, like Kitten said. What do I do, deny the people I love lights and heat? Watch precious family heirlooms be sold off like a garage sale of memories because I have no guarantee I'll get my investment back? I can't do that. I've become very jaded, but I'm not inhuman. I would want someone to do the same for me, and even if I now they wouldn't, perhaps I'm balancing some cosmic scale by always doing the right thing.

The other thing is grandma. She's becoming a massive strain on my life and my love. Lissa has graciously been putting in as much time at grandma's as I do. Every night when she gets off work she takes care of grandma till I get home. In an ideal world that would mean she comes home, gives her her sleeping pills, puts her mask on, and rests after a long day of hard work. But no, because nothing involving my grandmother has ever been anywhere near ideal, she's usually up half the night if not until I get home at 4, and that means Lissa is losing sleep to take care of grandma, someone she has no ties to aside from me. And while I will let people use and abuse my kindness, it really upsets me to see my girlfriend suffer for my sake. I really hope she gets her vehicular situation figured out soon so she doesn't have to keep doing it. I love having her around but it's more of a burden than I've any right to ask her to carry or share. It's bad enough I usually get home at and grandma usually gets up at 9-10 if not sooner. "Old people don't sleep" she says. Bullshit. Old people sleep a lot. She sleeps a lot. She just sleeps all fucking day instead of at night when she should.

Well, getting close to time to go to work, so I'll have to cut this short. I'm really enjoying my life, for all the annoyances. It's hard trying to gather up the shattered remnants of the hope I used to have for having my own life, but I'm getting there.

One piece at a time.

Knock Knock

2008-05-26T01:08:30Z

If whichever deity or demigod or what-have-you thaw was in charge of granting wishes or balancing karma yesterday reads my blog, I'd like to thank you. I really appreciate that you took notice of my one request and, if you're ever identified to me, I'll sing your praises and beat them into non-believers with a length of pipe I'll call "Faith".

To the rest of you pitiful mortals, I shall explain. Grandma is in the hospital for what looks like at least this entire week. Which means I get to sleep in my own damn bed for a whole week after work. I did a little dance, both in my head and in front of the paramedics, though the one in my hand involved backflips and handstands and other stuff I can't really do.

Kitten's still here, though we're both kinda worn out so she's napping. Finished painting the foyer today after we got back from grandma's and I've been sporadically cleaning my room, with many distractions, mostly happiness.

Which will fade away all-too-soon when mom comes homes and I remember why I would rather be at grandma's.

Everybodies Workin' for the Weekend.. Cept Me Bitches

2008-05-22T22:22:44Z

Passed the test yesterday. I always feel bad answering questions out loud, especially when it's because NOBODY else knows the answer. Ah well. I'll probably be out in the hubt his evening.

I'm really kind of bi-polar about it. Part of me is chomping at the bit to get to work and be really good at it. Physical labour is something I've always been good at it. Part of me is just too lazy from all the years of, well, laziness. That part with wither and die soon enough I'm sure. If I don't star tonight, I will definitely be starting tomorrow.

What else tomorrow? We're going to be picking Melissa up in the afternoon so we can spend the weekend together. I miss her, and lately I've been kinda distant. Not just from her, from everyone for the most part. I think my brain is just overtaxed with everything going on- it should get better once the anticipation of starting work is passed, and should be gone once I'm getting regular paychecks. It'll be good to hold her close again and unwind for the weekend with the woman I love. I honestly don't know if I'd ever have taken the opportunity at UPS if it hadn't been for her support.

I'll be honest for a moment, I've been afraid of getting out of the rut I've been in. It was almost comfortable, making just enough to get by and not having to work too hard. But I shouldn't be stuck in a routine right now. It's all right to have a comfortable routine when you live on your own, when your life is your life... not so much when you're 22 and living with your parents. I don't want to live here forever, or even for very long. It's one of the last and biggest steps I'll be taking in my personal quest for independence.

I think that's why I've been so disconnected lately. I've just been thinking, a lot, about what's next. About my money situation. About my debts. About my car. About finding a car pool for work. I think you get the picture. It takes up a lot of my free thought. This weekend I want to put it all aside for a few days and just relax with my Kitten.

Goodness I miss those kisses.

UPS, first impressions

2008-05-21T00:13:25Z

So I started my first week out at UPS. Despite my mom and dad and even the tour lady hyping this up as a terrible week, turns out we're sitting in a class for 4 days going over procedure and watching outdated movies on safety. I expected as much.

I got dumped into loading. NOT my preferred position, I was hoping for unloading, but whatever I suppose. Dad says he's gonna see if he can pull some strings and get me switched to unloading. Which, provided he and/or I wasn't lied to, is just to tide me over till I pass the sort test and get bumped up and out of the "trenches", so to speak. Not looking forward to that, the lost of zip codes and their associated belts is a mile long but it shouldn't be too hard once I've got time and a reference. Right now it's just pages of numbers.

Anyway, gotta get ready for work/class. Apparently being late means doing push-ups. Which sounds like BS to me, but that's just me. Toodles.

The Good, the Bad, and the Slightly Disappointing

2008-05-13T20:06:05Z

    Okay, so things have happened lately, as they often do.

    First, an aunt from my dad's side (actually my great-aunt, I believe) died recently. Which meant going to a showing and a funeral, which meant entering the hornet's nest. For those of you who don't know, my family- that is, me, my dad, my mom, and my sisters- do not speak to my dad's parents, or his only living brother, Keith. I won't get into why, but I will tell you that it's not something I'll soon forgive. But we're going to do it, because dad's entire extended family will be there and they are on our side. I haven't seen some of them in excess of 8 years. Melissa came along, and it reminded me how nice it is to have a girlfriend whom I am proud to introduce to people and who actually likes to be seen with me. The showing was more awkward than anything else, really. I don't remember my aunt Cindy very well, and I've come to terms with seeing dead people in coffins, so I wasn't emotional. I got to see a lot of people I really missed. Aunt Suzie (a precious little old lady who can't be more than 5' tall) just about fell apart, as I really haven't seen her since Rhiannon was only Galen's size (everyone else went to family reunions for years, I was either working or just not going for personal reasons). It was nice to reconnect with that side of my family, even though I only recognized like 10 of the like 200 people there (which seemed to be the case for everyone I knew as well, aunt Cindy had lots of family). All in all it was a nice thing.

   Another positive note, I finally finished Resident Evil 4. Not that anyone really cares but me and possibly Eric, but it always gives me a boost of confidence when I finish a game. Honestly, the game was kind of weak overall, and the last boss battles were... anti-climatic? They were true to the Resident Evil formula regarding big bosses, but in this new format, it just felt, I dunno... weak. I got through the final boss battle without dying even once, which is maybe why I feel cheated. I can't say I'm a fan of the convenient merchant popping up with new weapons every so often, it takes a lot of the "adventure" out of the game. The epic near-death experiences that were side quests to get new weapons. Maybe I just really sucked at games when I used to play Resident Evil, but this one was pretty easy.

    Also, I finally watched Sin City. Good movie.

    There's some other stuff, like going out to dinner with Dave and Lynnette, and later playing Munchkin Cthulu. I got to play Grand Theft Auto 4, which was awesome, and makes me want a 360.

    Which I may be coming into soon. Guy at work has some 360's that are semi-borked. If I can't repair them, I still get 2 controllers, allt he cords, and a hard drive out of the deal, so all I need is a console. Don't get me wrong, I'm still hoping I can repair the damaged goods (I want to name it Frankenbox 360), but I come out ahead either way.

    Ohohohohohoh. And I put my app in at UPS. After the tour/interview, I might have a new job!

    I can hardly wait.

OMG No Wai!

2008-04-25T19:01:20Z

    I cut my hair. It's the second time I've done it myself and I think it's much better this go around than the last. It just needed done, my hair was so long it was in my eyes.

    I haven't been updating as much, mostly because I've been a zombie. Between working in the yard and doing my actual job, and grandma deciding she doesn't need to sleep (and by default, that means I don't get to either)... I've been drained.

    What have I been up to? Well, nothing really. I keep meaning to work on my munny, or do some art, but I'm so exhausted by the time I have time to do something, all I want to do is lay here. Hopefully that changes soon.

    Been thinking lately, which is never good for me. Here is a short list of some of the things I don't miss about the people I cut out of my life.

Not being able to be myself
Tolerating Münchhausen Syndrome masquerading as OCD
Being lied to on a near-constant basis
Late-night phone calls which always ended in fights whenever I got tired of nodding my head
Being a doormat and an emotional punching bag
Feeling bad for not loving someone who was always in love with someone else
Being second best despite being there whenever they needed someone
Best friends who would sooner stand with an ex-girlfriend they couldn't stand while I was dating her than me

And here, as contrast, are the things I do miss.

The opportunities I passed up to stay loyal to manipulating liars
The necklace that I wore for 4 years and gave to Jen on our first date

It was really stupid of me to give her that necklace. It meant a lot to me, and I wanted her to have something to remember. She almost never wore it, and whenever I got upset that it was just sitting on a shelf she bitched at me about how it was too big and not girly enough to wear. Should have taken her up on those numerous offers to take it back. When someone gives you something that is important to them, you don't wear it because it matches your outfit, you wear it because it's special. Course, she was too wrapped up developing an imaginary mental disorder to cover up the real one, and I could never get it through to her. I thought about asking for it back when I sent the money to her for her Wii, but that would just be giving her an excuse to continue communicating with me, so I had to lose something I really wanted.

More on the things, and the people, I am truly grateful for, after my workout, or possibly after work.

Bigger Shoes

2008-04-21T19:23:53Z

Whiteford Greenhouse is holding open interviews today, and I'm going. This could be my chance to get out of the Seafood. It's only seasonal, but it's a step in a different direction.

Stepping off the path I've been on for 22 years... I think I need bigger shoes.

Insomniac

2008-04-21T08:28:05Z

So I finally have a few days off, and I've been celebrating them by not sleeping. Not because I don't want to, but because my body often fails to remember it should be tired unless I look at a clock.

I've spent the last several hours catching up on a webcomic called Something Positive. I'm midway through 2003, and my head hurts, and I'm starting to see the characters when I close my eyes, so that's enough for one night.

Toodles.

All is swell

2008-04-14T05:23:54Z

So L-chan's party came and went. Despite somewhat ominous foreshadowing, it turned out to be a bucket of fun and little else. Got my DS Lite; got to happily see that Vault of Midnight seems to be taking on what Wizzy Wigs left behind when it decided to move to BFE; got to eat at BD's Mongolian BBQ and videotape L-Chan being embarrassed as the cooks sang to her; got to play Cthulu-themed Munchkin- was chased off by a wizard in a pink dress and turned into a woman, much laughter was had by everyone at my expense; got to snuggle up close with Kitten and watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, which, honestly, I didn't really get- mostly because of all the stoner's laughing loud and hard at just about everything, whether it was funny or not. All in all a very amusing time, as it almost always is. Having more people there seemed to give Dave other things to focus on instead of make me uncomfortable with sexual advances, hooray.

Went to work today for Steve, whose mom is in critical condition with a terminal illness and thusly won't be in to work for a while. I had specifically asked for this weekend and this weekend alone off, yet I was the first person called for three straight days to work. I folded when they asked me about Sunday because I could come up with no excuse. After Kitten told me I didn't need an excuse, the rest of the competent people at my place of employment agreed, and I felt like a horse's ass. I have no spine sometimes it seems, especially when it comes to a job that I've already given up any semblance of a social life to accommodate.

Ah well, more to think about I guess. Some things need to change. I'm really good at talking about philosophical change, about far off truths and lies, but I'm not really good when it comes to making big changes, or taking chances, in the here and now. Intentionally or otherwise, I have been hobbled when it comes to making the transition to being an adult. By who, though; them or me?

-sigh-

<3

2008-04-11T17:27:46Z

Went and got Melissa yesterday, I believe the subject sums up how I feel about that. Smiling so much my face hurts.

Mom had her "surgery" today. Apparently they gave her too much Phentanyl (sp?) and she's basically back and forth between bitch-mode and out-cold. Not my problem, as I am (happily, for once) trapped at grandma's.

Man, it's great to have a weekend off. Can't wait for Saturday. We're going to BD's Mongolian BBQ for dinner, which is both delicious AND cheap. But more importantly, I finally get my hands on a DS. I'm pretty sure that the first game I buy for it, assuming I can find it without much trouble, is Meteos. Seems like something Melissa would enjoy as much as I would. We'll see I guess

Adventurine

2008-04-10T07:21:24Z

Well, it seems the shit-storm has passed, so I'm going to *try* posting publicly again, since my two favorite readers have no reason outside of self-loathing to continue nagging me.

Going to get Melissa tomorrow. It feels like it's been forever since I hugged her, and I cannot wait to drown her in big, wet kisses. Good news is this may be the last time I have to drive (or get someone else to drive me, since I'm not really driving) to Devil's Lake to get her or go see her! She should be moving in with her friend Jon who is a much more manageable 5-10 minutes away from here.

That'll be a whole new thing for me; having a girlfriend who lives a reasonable distance away. It means we can see each other on a casual basis, and not have to plan weeks in advance! For all intents and purposes she lives right down the street. It means I can go hang out with her as much as she comes to see me! Which will be a HUGE relief since my mother is being her usual nosey opinionated self.

I'm kind of glad Eric is helping me go get Lissa tomorrow. If I had to tolerate an hour car ride with mom, I'm sure I would have snapped at her. I probably still will. She has taxed me in a way she's never taxed me before. With Jen, everything she said stung, but it stung because part of me knew she was right. Part of me wanted to agree with her. I think she's a little too comfortable with her opinion mattering because of that, and maybe it's my fault for tolerating it so much up until now. Now though- it infuriates me. Not because she's right, not because she cares, but because it's NONE OF HER FUCKING BUSINESS. And I've more than half a mind to say that in the near future, it's overdue.

What else? Oh, right. L-chan's party is this weekend. Which, surprisingly, I am being allowed to go do, even though I told mom I wasn't expecting us to be back till 3am. I assume her tone will change post-party, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts. We're going to be in Ann Arbor most of Saturday evening and into Sunday morning. We're eating at one of my favorite places, BD's Mongolian Barbecue. If you haven't been, look it up, see if there's one in your area, and go. Delicious food, and the all-you-can-eat plate is like $15. Cheap + Delicious = Win. The downside to Japanese food is that it's usually on the pricey side, and I'm running low on the funds. I've scraped together $160 for this weekend, and I want to spend as little of that as possible (and since we *may* be hitting a bookstore while we wait for our dinner reservation...) because $50 is an advance on my next paycheck.

Also relevant: I'm getting a DS! Dave is selling me his old DS Lite for the not-too-shabby pricey of $65. Of course, I'm probably going to end up writing him a post-dated check for next Friday (unless I manage to have enough left over to pay him cash at the end of the day), but a DS is a DS. No idea what I'm going to do about games though. If I can pick up Meteos used thats an obvious win, but I'd prefer a long-lasting RPG, while avoiding pokemon if i can. I had a few good rpg's for my now-bricked PSP that i only just got into, which bites. Ah well, heres hoping they release some good ones for DS in the future. But since I', broke and supposed to be saving, I guess it's of no consequence.

Anyway, off to sleep-land. I get to see my Kitten again tomorrow, the sooner I sleep the sooner she's here!

Wake up!

2008-04-08T16:54:22Z

Nothing reminds me why I love my girlfriend quite as much as phone calls in the early morning. Even if I don't always get up, they bring a smile to my face that lasts the rest of the day.

Business concluded

2008-03-31T23:29:12Z

It feels good to be rid of that weight, to sever that last tie to which she held onto so strongly. In truth, had she been less of a pain about it, I probably would have given it over a lot easier. I owed her money, I made no attempt to deny that. She wrote a very nasty and presumptuous e-mail that was an ultimatum to deliver to her the Wii or the remaining money I wed her by March 31st. I was a little pissed that she would act like I was trying to dodge out of it, but I wasn't going to let it get to me. Then she kept e-mailing me, and leaving messages on my LJ about the money and threatening legal action, which is where I drew the line. That's not justified curiosity, that's fucking harassment. So instead of mailing her a check two weeks ago, I mailed it last Wednesday, First Class Signature Service, just for insurance. The package contained a check for $150, Super Paper Mario, and a letter explaining that I could not afford an extra $40 for a used game in the time frame she had given me, so I was giving it back. Which is both fair and legal. I only agreed to buy it from her because she needed the money, we were on good terms, and at the time I thought I would be coming into a lot more money than I actually did. However, my work hours got cut, my paychecks went from almost $300 to barely $200, so money got tight, and I cannot afford the expense; I can barely afford what she's getting but I'll be damned if I'm giving the Wii back, especially since that means she owes me $100 ($180 if I feel like adding on the price of the virtual console games I've bought that I can't get back), which is money I would have to take her to court to get back.

I have a lot of nasty things to say about you, about the both of you. But I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of wasting my time putting my unsurmountable hatred for you both into words. I trusted you, and you both turned out to be self-centered, manipulative, deceitful, out-and-out evil people. I pity you, really, because neither of you knows what real love is, nor is it likely you will ever really know. You don't deserve it, anyway.

Dedicated to a real bitch.

2008-03-17T16:52:31Z

Pet Names by Smash Mouth

Just when I thought everything would be ok
Just when I started to believe that everything was going my way
Out came the cloud from under my feet
Crashing back down to reality

You used to call me pumpkin now I'm Halloween
Remember when I used to your jellybean
You used to call me schnookums and shit like that
Now you're after me with a baseball bat

I remember when I used to be the king
Your honey sweet darling baby everything
I used to be your tall dark mystery man
Now I'm just straight up history man

Just when I thought everything would be all right
Just when I started to believe that everything was out of sight
You left me with nothing but a scribbled note
That said I would no longer be your love boat
From here on out my pet name would be x
Your x your x your x

It used to be sugar then it turned into salt
I used to rock your world now I'm standing on a fault line
Lying naked in a hail storm in the dark
You're my little tornado and I am your trailer park
You used to call me names too cute to repeat
Like honey bunch hairy bear and piccolo peet
Goochy goochy goo goo gaga shit like that
Now you're after me screaming you dirty rat

I don't remember applying for a name change
So why is it you're calling me mister deranged
Psychopathic pornographic stinking drunk
Failing fast lying ass worthless punk

You used to call me sweety pie and baby doll
I guess another studs kicking in my stall
You'll probably call him superman or loverboy
You'll probably disregard him like a broken toy

Just when he thought everything was going his way
Just he started to believe everything was hunky dory
He'll look at that cloud that he's standing on
And with an itsy bitsy tiny little almost inaudible squeak
He'll notice
It's gone

From here on out his pet name would be x
Your x your x your x

Sweet pie?
No x
Honey bunch?
No x
Bubble butt?
No x
Pumpkin face
X

You DOn't Know What Love Is by The White Stripes

In some respects
I suspect you've got a respectable side
When pushed and pulled and pressured
You seldom run and hide
But it's for someone elses benefit
Not for what you wanna do
Until I realize that you've realized
I'm gonna say these words to you

You don't know what love is
You do as you're told
Just as a child at ten might act
But you're far too old
You're not hopeless or helpless
And I hate to sound cold
But you don't know what love is...
You just do as you're told

I can see your man
Cant help but win
Any problems that may arise
But in his mind there can be no sin
If you never criticize
You just keep on repeating
All those empty "I love you's"
Until you say you deserve better
I'm gonna lay right into you

You don't know what love is
You just do as you're told
Just as a child of ten might act
But you're far too old
Your not hopeless or helpless
And I hate to sound cold
But you don't know what love is
No you don't know what love is
No you don't know what love is

You just do as you're told
You do as you're told
Yeah